Self-Compassion

The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself

Kristin Neff, PhD

Who should read: Anyone who would cringe if they saw a loved one being treated the way you treat yourself.

Favorite quotes: 

“Western culture places great emphasis on being kind to our friends, family, and neighbors who are struggling. Not so when it comes to ourselves.” 

“…thoughts and emotions have the same effect on our bodies whether they’re directed to ourselves or to others.” 

Emotional intelligence  has proven to be a critical and powerful tool in success. Self-awareness and self-management are some of the building blocks of strong emotional intelligence. And these skills are strengthened with self-compassion. 

Our common personality types in veterinary medicine (Type A, perfectionists) tend to rely on “contingent self-worth” rather than sustainable, healthy self-value. Those with a sense of contingent self-worth hinge on success or failure to define their value. As we quickly experience in medicine, it is impossible to deal with biologic systems and fully avoid situations that feel like failure. As such, we can easily lose self-esteem and confidence. Unlike our western culture teaches, self-esteem does not reliably cause healthy behaviors in research studies. It can, however, be a side effect of self-compassion, which holds many more advantages in well-being than self-esteem alone does. Our minds are actually wired to be biased towards prioritizing time and importance of negative information or thoughts, so when we treat ourselves negatively, we tend to ignore or downplay our positive traits and successes. Extreme self-critics also appear to be at higher risk for committing suicide. (Blatt et al) Ruminating on negative things can lead to depression or anxiety.

Oxytocin, the chemical produced during times of comfort, connection and love, decreases our negativity bias. We can increase our oxytocin resources by learning self-compassion. This is most definitely not an invitation to ignore negative feelings or emotions, as that can lead to greater problems. But when practicing self-compassion, you can manage those negative experiences without allowing them to hijack your outlook and well-being. Another bonus to practicing self-compassion: research indicates that caregivers are less likely to suffer from compassion fatigue when skilled in self-compassion. So, now that I’ve (hopefully) convinced you it’s not a bad skill to have, here are some beginning strategies to begin your self-compassion journey.

1. Give yourself kindness and care. 

We tend to be fairly skilled at recognizing our weaknesses or mistakes, but as a general rule, we are not so good at understanding them, but not condemning ourselves for them. Research shows that our need for comfort and support rival our biologic needs in importance. And as important as a support community is, the person you are in contact with most frequently and intimately is yourself. So, if you develop the habit of treating yourself as you would a beloved friend, you’ll be a much stronger and more resilient person. Things you can implement to improve your support of yourself include recognizing when you are being self-critical, softening that self-critical voice, practicing reframing your self-criticism in a kind, positive manner, and formulating responses to your self-criticism as though you were defending a friend. 

2. Remind yourself that pain is part of the shared human experience. 

One fear that may crop up for you as you contemplate self-compassion is self-pity. Self-compassion can be distinguished from self-pity when you recognize that your feelings and experiences are a shared human experience, rather than isolated to you alone. It can be helpful to remind yourself that not only have others experienced similar feelings or situations, but also that there may be support groups or individuals out there who can provide encouragement and insight while navigating your negative experiences. As emotionally challenging as it can be to hear about some of the struggles of our colleagues in Not One More Vet group discussions, there are always at least a few individuals that chime in with experiences and support that mirror the struggles, and remind us we are in good company.   If you are struggling with feeling alone in your situation, I highly encourage you to reach out and discuss with someone, whether a friend, colleague, as an anonymous confession, or with a professional counselor. An outsiders perspective can quickly remind you of your connection and shared experiences.

3. Be mindfully aware of your thoughts and emotions. 

By taking the time to consciously recognize your thoughts and emotions, you also give yourself the power to consciously process what is truly reality versus what is merely a thought or an emotion. The two are not synonymous, and thoughts and emotion should be respected, but recognized that they are not always truth. This is another situation where it can be really useful to help process these thoughts and emotions with an outsider perspective, until you gain more skill and strength in evaluating your thoughts and emotions. Journaling, meditation and/or prayer can also be helpful in processing and building an awareness.

When do you struggle the most to show yourself self-compassion? Which strategy do you think you want to focus on building? Do you know anyone who exhibits strong self-compassion that you can use as a reference or mentor in this process?

Additional Resources

Blatt, SJ. The destructiveness of perfectionism. Implications for the treatment of depression. Am Psychol. 1995 Dec;50(12):1003-1020. 

Kristin Neff Ted Talk: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-compassion.