Rejection Proof

How to Beat Fear and Become Invincible

Jia Jiang

Who should read: Any individual who finds they limit themselves because they worry what the answer to a request will be. 

Favorite quotes: “Turning rejection into a positive requires courage.”  “Is your dream bigger than your rejections?”

It’s impossible to spend a day in the veterinary field without being rejected multiple times. Whether you experienced it simply trying to get into vet school, when you applied to internships or residencies, after trying to take a board exam,  when you applied for a job you were really excited about or when you were let go from a job you relied on, you haven’t made it to practice without some sort of rejection. Most of those rejections come without readily accessible support, and many times we hide them to try to minimize the pain associated with them. So our community just doesn’t talk about it. While I managed each of the enormous rejections I encountered along the way (and I anticipated many of them) it still surprises me that our community hasn’t done a better job of being open about them, and seeking support and resources on managing them. I came to find that the rejections don’t stop once you have “arrived” at your goalpost in vet med, and it’s honestly the little, daily rejections that add up and undermine my mental health far more than the big rejections. The days where every other client declines your recommended diagnostics for their pet. The owners that don’t listen to your educated advice and choose to follow the very opinionated, misleading advice of the breeder. The staff member that rejects your advice for helping the workflow go smoother. The leadership that ignores your request for updated equipment. It is never ending. And if I’m not careful, it can very quickly shape my behavior. If I find 90% of clients reject my gold standard recommendation, at what point do I stop recommending it because it feels like a pointless waste of time? At what point do I become apathetic to the quality of our practice’s vet care because I haven’t convinced management we can and should improve? At what point do I feel that the entire world is rejecting me and my presence? I think we as a profession need to prepare for these rejections a bit better, and be more aware and intentional in how we handle them! Mr. Jiang writes about his personal journey in facing rejection and overcoming it’s paralyzing effects on his life. He communicates some highly useful lessons he learned along the way. I am going to focus on those I feel are most applicable to our profession, but I highly recommend the book if you feel that fear of rejection has had a negative impact on personal and professional goals. 

The take away lessons are as follows: 

Reframe your perception of rejection:

1. Rejection does not equal failure. Rejection is only an opinion of the rejector. It says as much about the rejector as it does you. One rejection is not the end of the game unless you choose to let it be. Mr. Jiang recommends if you receive a rejection, retreat, reassess and develop a new strategy if you wish to achieve your over-arching goal. 

2. Use rejection as a motivator. Big goals mean big obstacles, and require even greater mental toughness. “The relationship you have with a rejection can be negative or positive, and it all depends on which way you spin it for yourself.” Even if it’s just motivation to prove the doubters wrong, you can use it to your advantage! 

3. Find meaning in the rejection. If you can use your rejection to find empathy for another set of people, or create a value or mission, than your rejection is actually an incredible gift!!!

4. Recognize and manage unhealthy reactions. Take an attitude of curiosity towards yourself after facing a rejection. It will probably be easiest to start small, with a rejection you didn’t have a lot of emotional attachment to. There are two warning signs to look for that indicate that you have some personal work that can make your life significantly better. If you find yourself blaming others, or find yourself blaming yourself or believing you deserved it, you’ve got an unhealthy relationship with rejection. Start trying to shift that pattern to find meaning and/or motivation in each rejection. 

5. Using humor to heal rejection pain. We are well trained at recognizing and treating pain in our patients. But not so good at doing the same for ourselves. Humor acts as an analgesic for the pain of rejection. Can you laugh at your own audacity? At the silliness of having identical goals but not being able to communicate how your offer achieves the goal? 

6. A rejection of a request does not mean that YOU are being rejected. The person rejecting your request plays as big, if not a bigger role in the rejection as you do. Mr. Jang found that by asking why his request was being rejected, there were many reasons that hadn’t even occurred to him. And very frequently, those reasons had nothing to do with him, personally. 

7. Rejection is an opinion. Not a fact. Your request doesn’t work for this person. This world is so full of unique and variable people that there will be someone, somewhere who agrees with you. It’s just a matter of time and effort to find an opinion that agrees with you. Universal rejections of  ideas are rare. So, don’t assume this opinion is a fact about you. “Rejection, indeed, is just an opinion. It is so feeble it can even change.” 

Maximizing a chance of yes

1. Approach with an attitude of collaboration. What can you bring to the ask to make it beneficial for the person you are asking of? Don’t be afraid to ask how or in what way it might be helpful!

2. Be curious! If you are rejected, ask why (non-confrontationally). This harkens back to the fact that the rejection often has nothing to do with you, but you might be able to adjust your ask to meet both of your needs! Or you might get leads on other opportunities. Or you might learn how you could approach your next request differently to improve your chances.

3. Be willing to ask more than once. Mr. Jiang’s experience suggests that if you hear no, you just haven’t asked the right person yet! Ask others. Ask if your rejector has suggestions for who might be willing to say yes! Be willing to ask this person again if circumstances change. And if this is not the right person, search for the right audience! 

4. Be direct, kind, patient and consider offering alternatives. Choosing your audience appropriately, and treating them with respect and empathy can be the difference between a yes or a no. And the more valued and connected your askee feels, the more they want to see you succeed! Never be afraid to manage a rejection by retreating, reassess your goals, and trying a new approach. 

I have learned that the greatest things in my life required gambling on getting rejected. I had to ask, or risk vulnerability to obtain them. I’ve learned some of these pearls of wisdom along the way, but I found an incredible value in his summaries and experiences. It helps tame the beast of fear I still have when I make those really big asks. I hope it helps you too! What was the biggest pearl of wisdom for you? How are you going to integrate it into your life?